May I have your attention: We’re standing for a moment while Apple cleans the North/Clybourn station again. Thank you for riding the CTA redline. Where every other subway stop is filthy expect North/Clybourn.

Attention passengers: We just lost power. Blame the state not caring about transit and late on its $90 million dollar check to the CTA.

Attention Passenger: We’re going to have a dance party after Damen so don’t get off in lame old Wicker (liquor) Park. This is blue line service to Forest Park, rockin it 8 cars.

Attention Passengers, there is a delay ahead of us unfortunately. I’ll do what I can. Please Look to the person next to you and give a friendly hello. This is Orange line service to Midway. Signal problems and in style since 1993.

This is a blue line train to O’hare. The track structure we’re on right now is 115 years old. How does that make you feel? California is next, doors to the right.

Attention passengers: I have a red over red single. Thats an all stop. I’m not sure what the fuck is going on. I’ll let you guys know when I know more. Lets just go ahead and blame a green line train.

Attention single ladies: I don’t mean to offend you all, but you’re all very beautiful. I’m sorry but its true. Sedgwick will be next.